• Jay

Based on True Events


Dad (34) and Mom (33) are sound asleep. Tito (2) walks in and crawls up on to the bed and starts poking Dad’s face with his finger.

Dad groans and attempts to swat Tito’s finger away.

TITO (whispering) Dad! Time to get up dad. DAD No. I’m still sleeping. TITO No. Time to get up and make breakfast.

Tito crawls over dad and off the bed and pulls the covers completely off the bed.

TITO (full voice) Dad, time to get up! DAD I’m so tired!

Dad crawls out of bed groggily and rubs his eyes. He sees two symmetrical streams of pale green snot coming out both of Tito’s nostrils.

TITO Dad, make some oatmeal? DAD Dude. Your nose. Tito sniffs and licks his upper lip. DAD Nasty.I’m going to make a coffee. Go get a kleenex.

Dad leaves the room tripping over the laundry basket on his way out.


Dad is making a latte while Tito plays. Mom walks in with Lili (11mo.) Lili grins and kicks as she sees dad, two gleaming green streams of snot coming out her nose. Tito climbs into a chair.

MOM Can you watch her while I take a shower? Wipe her nose too. DAD Sure.

Mom hands Lili to dad and leaves, stepping on a toy on her way out. Dad puts Lili in her chair at the counter and starts making oatmeal.

TITO Dad, I’m eating a plumb apple. DAD A what? TITO A plumb apple.

Dad turns around and groans as he sees Tito taking equi-distant bites around an apple he pulled off the counter. He wipes Tito’s nose again.

( A few minutes later) Dad hands bowls of oatmeal to Tito and Lili.

DAD Here, eat your oatmeal. It’s maple and brown sugar flavored. TITO Thanks dad! DAD You’re welcome.

Lili kicks excitedly as dad places a bowl of oatmeal in front of her, using the suction cup on the bowl to stick it to the counter. Dad wipes the green trails of snot from her nose again.

DAD Enjoy. I’m going to take this coffee to your mom. I’ll be right back.

Dad leaves and returns a few moments later to find Lili has dumped the entire contents of the bowl out on to the counter and is gleefully shoveling it into her mouth. Tito is laying across his chair eating spilled oatmeal off of it with his mouth.

DAD Oh, of course you dumped it out. Tito, sit up and…oh. Nevermind. Continue.

Tito jumps down and begins playing in the ball pit. Dad starts cleaning the kitchen. Mom walks in wearing her robe holding her coffee and looks at an oatmeal-covered Lili.

MOM Oh, I guess we can’t wear those PJ’s again! (pausing) I leave you alone with the kids for 15  minutes… DAD Sorry.

Mom wipes green off Lili’s face again and begins wiping up oatmeal from the floor.

TITO Mom, I frew up in the ball pit. (sniffing the trailing snot) MOM You did what. TITO I frew up in the ball pit. But I put a towel in there to dry it up. (wipes the snot across his face with the back of his hand) DAD You did what?

Mom looks into the ball pit.

MOM And you did throw up in the ball pit. DAD He coughed so hard he threw up again? MOM Apparently. (looking at the sniffing, snotty kids and the mess) My motivation to go to church is diminishing rapidly. DAD I’m making another coffee.

©2019 by Jay Friesen.

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